Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

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Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Sat 24 Oct 2015 - 12:03

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
 The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
 So he took his costume and away he went.
 The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
 So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
 His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
 After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
 She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
 Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
 He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
 "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
 To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Araf on Sun 1 Nov 2015 - 19:51

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, O'toole. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Sun 1 Nov 2015 - 20:15

We need a funny button

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Thu 26 Nov 2015 - 12:32

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!


What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow


Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?


Twerky!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who? 
Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
 
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker? 
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

25. There’s "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
 
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noël Coward!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Fri 27 Nov 2015 - 19:41

Come on Peeps this time next month it will nearly be 2016. Someone must have some festive jokes.....

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Fri 27 Nov 2015 - 19:43

Just to confirm I love Xmas, my longest holiday of the year.

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Araf on Fri 27 Nov 2015 - 20:29

Barbs wrote:Come on Peeps this time next month it will nearly be 2016. Someone must have some festive jokes.....

Not as bad as yours.  Razz

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Fri 27 Nov 2015 - 22:09

Find some better. The challenge is set.....

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Sat 28 Nov 2015 - 17:26

@Araf no one took up the Challenge, they couldn't better my Jokes lol

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by colin565 on Tue 1 Dec 2015 - 3:25

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? 
A: A rebel without a Claus. 


Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper! 


Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 


Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it soot's him 


Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? A: Because the present's beneath them. 


Q: What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? A: It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS 


Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? A: Tinselitis! 

(OK cringworthy jokes, but its nearly Christmas Very Happy )
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Tue 1 Dec 2015 - 4:32

@Colin565 hahaha nice giggle there

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Araf on Tue 1 Dec 2015 - 11:51

FFS don't encourage her Colin! Wink Laughing

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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Tue 1 Dec 2015 - 14:55

Araf wrote:FFS don't encourage her Colin! Wink Laughing


ohhh Araf,  Let Colin encourage me please
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Fri 22 Jan 2016 - 12:26

[url=]
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Fri 22 Jan 2016 - 12:31

[url=]
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by knebby on Sat 23 Jan 2016 - 19:13

Barbs wrote:[url=]
Now that one made me laugh out loud. Nice one Barbs!
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Re: Now the Dark Evenings are here post a Joke

Post by Barbs on Sun 24 Jan 2016 - 0:02

best find some more then .....

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